Once upon a time, there was an ordinary boy. His name was Stephen. He did not like to be ordinary. He thought that it would be much more fun to be a king. As he grew older, Stephen began to realize, as many children do, that his dream of becoming king may not ever come true.
You see, the country that he lived in already had a Queen. Even though the Queen was very old and might die at any time, Stephen was not a prince and therefore, he was not in line for the throne. Not being in line for the throne meant that he could never be king.
“That’s not fair!”, he cried.
Even though he was very upset, Stephen knew that it was the way his world worked.
Just like all children in his country, Stephen went to school and read many books about the world. All of the books told him the same thing; he could never be king. But Stephen didn’t care, he wanted to be king anyway.
When he got a little older, Stephen studied at The Calgary School. The Calgary School, developed something called “The Alberta Runaround”. Now, The Alberta Runaround is a very specialized and effective style of manipulation. When used properly, it can be almost guaranteed that you will get what you want and look good at the same time. It is based on bullying and uses 3 main principles; triangulation, scapegoating and stalling.
Triangulation is a mind game that works just like a triangle. Simply explained, you befriend 2 people and pit them against each other. This drives a wedge between them and in the end, you are seen as the hero by both just before you screw them over. They never see it coming. You can find very good examples of this used in TV reality shows, such as Survivor and Rock of Love.
Scapegoating is a good thing to try if you want to influence a whole group. In case of trouble, there must always be some poor sucker to blame. Preferably someone kinda powerless who can’t easily resist.
Causing a lengthy delay for no good reason, is often referred to as stalling. Stalling is a terrific way of jamming up your enemies or your friends, depending on the situation.
Should you get desperate, then you can rely on a little something called JFDI. That stands for Just F*#*ing Do It. This almost always works, because we all know that it’s easier to seek forgiveness than to ask for permission.
Oh, how Stephen loved The Calgary School because a lot of other children there wanted to be kings too. They were just like him! How nice!
There was a magical being at The Calgary School, sort of like a fairy godmother, but not, called Tom Flanagan.
Mr. Flanagan taught Stephen that besides having a Queen, the government in their country also had a Prime Minister. Prime Minister certainly seemed like a wonderful thing to be and a lot like being a king. Best of all, anyone could become Prime Minister, even if they were just ordinary.
Stephen said “Please Mr. Flanagan, tell me how to become Prime Minister.”
Mr. Flanagan liked Stephen, so he told him to join a political party and try using The Alberta Runaround. Stephen did as he was told and got on to the business of convincing a lot of people to vote for him in the election. Many, many others agreed with Stephen’s ideas so he became the leader of his political party. Once he became the leader, Stephen still had to win another election and then, only then, could he become Prime Minister.
Stephen knew that this would be a very difficult task indeed, because his political party was only popular in one part of the country.
Again, Stephen asked Tom Flanagan what he should do. Mr. Flanagan told Stephen that The Alberta Runaround works everywhere, not just in Alberta. This made Stephen very happy indeed, because he had been practicing, and he was getting quite good at it.
Stephen was able to use The Alberta Runaround to take over another, much more respected political party and steal their name. Once he had done that, he became Prime Minister quite handily.
Now, being the Prime Minister was lots of fun, but Stephen had not forgotten that he really wanted to be king.
So, he told Mr. Flanagan that he still wanted to be king. Well, as you can imagine that would be a near impossible achievement in a country that already had a Queen.
Mr. Flanagan thought about this question for some time. Finally, he knew that the only way for Stephen to become king was to change the philosophy of the citizens using The Alberta Runaround on the whole country for a very long time.
With that, Stephen prorogued parliament and used JFDI to take power.
That’s how Stephen Harper used The Alberta Runaround to become King of Canada and nobody was allowed to live happily ever after.
Canada, Canadian politics, commentary, Conservative party of canada, current events, Michael Ignatieff, opinion, Stephen Harper
Wave Bye Bye To The Nice People
In Canadian politics on March 25, 2011 at 7:33 pmWe’ve all heard the news. Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s government has fallen.
5 years of absolute bullshit….
Contempt of Parliament. Historical and shocking. (maybe he’ll go to jail and he can play piano there…)
Vote of non confidence and they’re out.
It’s about time. and I LOVE that Fox News refered to Conservative MPs as “Harper’s underlings“. Astounding.
Let’s go to the polls fuckers. Game on.