Vinnie & Twy

Posts Tagged ‘Calgary’

Things Are Different Now. But Are They Better?

In bitching, Canadian politics, Uncategorized on November 24, 2009 at 11:45 pm

Remember way back a long, long time ago? Me too.

The first time I drove through Calgary was so long ago that I can’t remember anything about it except the Pink Elephant popcorn.

I blew through there again in the mid eighties and it was a very small shithole of a city. The only thing going for it was the zoo. Things pretty much stayed that way for years.

Then Calgary grew, and it became more and more annoying to me every time I drove from Vancouver to Winnipeg. I always thought of it as the place where the Trans Canada Highway slowed down to 50k/hr.

I was there on a visit last week and I can tell you that it has really grown since the last time I paid any real attention to it. The whole city looks bran spankin’ new. Too bad it’s all the same and all the same colour. Beige, beige and more beige. Beige grass, no trees and tumbleweedy as ever.

How was my visit? Thanks for asking, I’ll tell you all about it.

First thing I noticed was that someone had the brilliant idea to give all the new streets the same name. Cool.

So picture me driving around, trying to find my way back from sev, I go down Cooper’s Gate, turn left on Cooper’s Drive, past Cooper’s Way, Cooper’s Street, Cooper’s Blvd and Cooper’s Trail. Awesome.

What’s your address? 123 Cooper’s. Great should have no trouble finding it.

Calgarians tried to tell me that they have alot of trees, but I could tell they were lying and not just mistaken. They are so close to Banff that they have all seen trees and must know what they look like. The other thing missing was flowers. I know it is fall and the flowers would all be dead anyway, but there weren’t even any dead scraggly flowers or even flower beds for that matter. Lotsa rocks. Mostly big rocks. Oooh, decorative!

Lots and lots of litter. That was interesting. Apparently, Calgary is one of the last places left in Canada where you can still experience the secret joy of throwing your Tim Horton’s cup out the car window.

By far, the weirdest thing about Calgary is that Calgarians absolutely LOVE Calgary. They go on about it’s fabulousness for hours.
Calgary is the best city on earth.
Calgary has the best hockey.
Calgary has the best football.
Calgary is the easiest city to learn your way around.
Calgary drivers are the best.
Calgary has the best zoo.
Calgary has the best lifestyle (does it?).

Calgarians never complain about their city like the rest of us do.

What else does Calgary love?

You know it; Stephen Harper.
They cannot get enough of the guy.
I heard about him and his greatness til I was writhing in pain and ready to scream. They actually worship him as some sort of Messiah. I was surprised there isn’t a new temple built in his honour. They lectured me for hours about how the Liberals try to make him look bad and trick us all into thinking he sucks, but Calgarians know better.

If only Harper could be made our king, then we’d all live happily ever after.