Little Miss Helpful; Yes That’s Me

In Canadian politics, Uncategorized on February 4, 2010 at 7:20 pm

The Conservative Reform Alliance Party, as many Canadians already knew (and a lot more are finding out), is jammed with inexperienced and/or younger members. Many (not all mind you, but close) Conservative MPs arrived in Ottawa in the back of a turnip truck, so they cannot be expected to answer questions because they are too scared to stray from the script. These guys have not got a hot clue between them as to what they should be doing right now. Every time they go to the press with these bullshit pre-approved statements, they come off looking like absolute morons. It doesn’t work for telephone solicitors and it isn’t working for them.

It’s sad. I know. (Can I get an Awww…?)

Kind hearted Canadian that I am, I am willing to do them all a big fat favor. Whether or not anyone else is willing to take pity on them, I feel compelled to educate them on what will work for them and what will not.

When the leader of your party, be he Prime Minister or be he some other douche, takes a nose dive like Mr. Harper has done in recent months, you really need to think twice about your allegiance to him if you want to hold on to your own political career. Nobody wants to be a rat, but the Conservative MPs should start making plans to abandon the sinking ship. This is not rocket science.

Right now, today, the Conservatives should go to their own homes and find a quiet place to think. They absolutely must try to see the big picture here. Harper is desperate. It’s become so horribly obvious. All of the ridiculous statements he has been coming up with are only making things worse.

When they get home, here are the questions they need to ask themselves;

1. Can it even be possible that I agree with any of these garbagey one liners?
2. Do I seriously think that I am fooling anyone?
3. Am I really still afraid of Harper?
4. Do I think he can recover from this huge ugly mess?
5. What would happen if I publicly disagreed with him?
6. Why am I so afraid of Harper?
7. Do I ever want to hold public office again?
8. If I continue on this path, will I be left with any self-respect whatsoever?
9. Is it a good idea to be out looking for a job in this economy?

In stressful times like these, it’s not always easy to think clearly, so for the greater good, I will provide the answers to these tough questions. Besides, some just don’t do well under pressure at the best of times. For example, a lot of people have a hard time with formal testing, but that doesn’t always mean they are not smart. Regardless, they should still be able to follow these easy to read instructions.

1. The answer is no. It is completely impossible for anyone with more than a grade 4 education to buy into this load of shit that Harper is trying to sell.
2. Again, no. While you may hope that you are fooling people, deep down you know the truth.
3. Yes. You really are terrified of this man.
4. At this point, any thought of Harper’s recovery is pure fantasy.
5. If you did come out publicly against Harper, or even simply answered a question for real, you would gain some small amount of instant respect.
6. You are afraid because you think he is your boss. Don’t worry about that so much. You were elected to represent your constituents. You might think about starting to do that a bit.
7. Well, do you? If you do want to, will you deserve to after Harper is thrown out of office?
8. Nope.
9. It is a pretty bad time to be looking for work. EI and/or welfare will not leave you with much pocket money.

The wave of popularity that grew out of the National Arts Gala performance is over. That time will not come again. Give.It.Up.

Sometimes, when a leader loses the trust of the people and of the party, the party will find a new leader. You guys could maybe try that. It has worked in the past. Like I’m just saying, it’s definitely something to think about. Can’t hurt. What have you got to lose anyway?

If this saves some of your careers, then hey, you’re very welcome. Anytime.

  1. I am so glad I found your blog. It’s the absolute antidote to all of the bullshit going on around this country these days. How old are your kids????? When are you going to run for office. We desperately need the likes of you! Wouldn’t you like to see the return of those days when reporters could thrust their mikes into the faces of MP’s as they left Parliament and they actually got answers??

  2. Found you through the Onion Ring group. Love yer writing!

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